The Name Game

I don't know how many of you played The Game of Life growing up, but my sisters and I did.

We quite enjoyed it, but our house rules were a little interesting. They were many and myriad, but they all centered on one thing: getting as many children as you could. Note that this was not because we wanted to have lots of kids when we grew up (though I think maybe my little sister did want that). No, we played to get lots of children because we'd play with the families after the game itself ended. They had little houses right on the board, and cars, and places they could visit, etc.

Of course, before we could play with our Life families we had to determine the names and ages of the parents and all the children (there were usually about 12 each). I think this was actually our favorite part of the game (including the real game and the after game activities). It's certainly the activity we spent the longest on. We all loved getting to come up with names for all those kids! (This was the biggest reason we all tried to gather a lot of kids during the regular game play -- more people to name at the end!)

So I've been loving that recently the awesome lady who adds kids' listings on one of my favorite websites (http://www.reecesrainbow.org) has decided to play the Name Game. I think it started because she was bemoaning trying to come up with more unique names (that haven't already been used on the site) one day (though I could be mis-remembering that). Then someone suggested a particular name that she loved be used for the next girl to be listed. Sure enough, a newly-listed girl was shortly named that.

Then someone suggested that we all pay for the privilege of naming the new little cuties who were listed. Reece's Rainbow collects lots of grants for families who are adopting and for children who are waiting to be adopted, but they also have a specific fund for administration costs (called the Voice of Hope -- it's used for server fees, printing costs, and to cover paypal fees for the donations given to the adopting families, among other things). That fund gets overlooked a lot of the time, so someone suggested that whoever wanted to name a child listed on Reece's Rainbow donate $10 to the Voice of Hope fund for the privilege.

And thus the Name Game was born. Now when Michelle posts that she has new little ones to list people scramble over each other to make a donation so they can be the lucky one to pick their name! (Apparently my sisters and I are far from alone in our fascination with names.) I've been wanting to do it, but I always seem to miss the times when she posts. Until yesterday. Finally, finally, I got to name one of the cute kids listed on RR!

Meet Cecily:

Isn't she precious? I love her little pigtails. I think she's adorable. Of course, I might be a little biased because I got to name her! :)

Love Without Fear

I'm sorry I've been absent for so long, yet again. I'm finding it so much harder to blog regularly when we're not moving forward. We are still praying and trying to figure out what God wants us to do. But, in the meantime, I'm going to try to be a better blogger. I managed a post every day for a month before. I'm not going to commit to that right now, mostly because we're leaving on vacation in less than 2 weeks and my computer time will be severely limited for the few weeks that we're gone. But I'm going to commit to a post every day until then, so for the next 10 days, come back often!

Now, this is a post I've been thinking about for quite a while. For the last 2.5 months, really, since "Brigitte" became unadoptable. To begin with, I grieved. It hurt to lose her, this little girl I was sure was my daughter. It hurt even more knowing she would never be adoptable, that she would never have a mommy and daddy. I've seen others compare the feelings to those you have when you miscarry, and I think the situations are very similar. And this was a late-term miscarriage. We'd been falling in love and preparing for her arrival for 6 months (and I'd fallen in love a year before), and had just 2.5 months until we were going to meet her. We were already making the plans for her arrival. Losing her hurt.

And that's the thing with loss -- it hurts. And as a human, one of your initial reactions is to draw in and close up upon yourself. After all, opening up your heart hurt, and we naturally don't want to let ourselves be hurt. So sometimes we try to protect our hearts by not letting anyone in.

I didn't want to do that, but that didn't mean the temptation wasn't there. It would be so easy to stop looking at little faces, stop praying about them, stop falling in love. If I don't care about them then I can't be hurt by them. Sometimes when you're hurting anything you can do to protect yourself sounds like a very good idea.

But the truth is, as much as I was hurting, as much as I was grieving, I never once regretted falling in love with Brigitte. She's a very special little girl, and she deserves to be loved. She deserves to have someone think about her and pray over her. As hurt as I am, I am privileged to be one of those people. I am privileged to love this wonderful little girl, and I hope someday I'll be able to meet her and tell her how much I love her and how she has touched my life. Even if I never meet her, though, I won't stop praying for her. I continue to love her, even if I can't tell her that.

And the more I thought about things, the more I realized -- as much as it hurts when you lose someone you love, you never regret loving them. You might be hurt, but you'd never choose to have not known them simply to relieve yourself of the pain of losing them. The love is more powerful than the hurt.

All of this made me think a lot about some of the decisions I'd already made. When considering life in general, and adoption in particular, there were some options I'd already ruled out because they were just too hard. There was too much uncertainty, which meant there was too great a chance to get hurt. But if I could look at this one experience and be grateful for it in spite of the hurt, didn't that mean that these other experiences would also be worth it, even if they didn't end up how I'd like them to? I became more open, and started looking into all sorts of possibilities and praying God would lead me in the right direction.

I still don't know for sure where we're going or what we're doing. I have hopes, and I'm getting some small idea, but the truth is we might end up not adopting at all. That would be pretty devastating. But I still wouldn't regret what I've done in the last year. The possibility that things won't end up how I want is not going to keep me from looking at pictures and falling in love. Whoever I bring home (whether I even bring anyone home), these children are children of God, and showing them love, praying for them, is never going to be a bad decision. I hope that I continue to love these children, and have my heart break for them, however much it hurts. I imagine it's how Heavenly Father feels about me.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear" 1 John 4:18

Standing Still

Thank you all for your visits and kind words over the last month or so. It has meant a lot to me to know others are thinking of us.

I'm sorry I've been so bad about blogging. It's been hard to talk about things when I can't talk about what I really want to, which is where we're going from here. But there have been others who've gone through this before, and I'm sure there will be more who will go through it, and maybe talking about it will help someone else. It will probably be good for me, so I'm going to try to do better.

The reality is that we are currently standing still. I hate it. I'm a planner, and I like to have direction. Since we lost Brigitte I have taken some time to mourn, but mostly I've spent so many hours trying to find new direction. I have talked to multiple agencies and looked into many countries. I've inquired about maybe 20 kids in at least 7 or 8 different countries. I've looked at hosting through 3 different programs, and I've looked into adopting from foster care or disruption. More than anything, I've spent countless hours praying for direction.

So far the direction just isn't there. I don't know if this is because none of the kids I've looked at are supposed to be ours, or if it's just not the right time yet, or what. I do know that I wish I had some direction, if only to save myself from the hours and hours vainly searching for one.

I'm trying to step back a little. I definitely want to keep praying (and I am, and I will), but I'm trying to check photolistings less often, and I'm trying to stop looking at the processes for different countries, and mostly I'm trying to not waste all my time researching 50 bazillion different things that may or may not be useful to me down the road. I want to spend more time being present for the kids I already have while waiting on the one (or more!) who the Lord has waiting for us. I'm not saying I'm succeeding in this endeavor, but I am trying.

I'm also trying to take Psalms 46:10 to heart: "Be still, and know that I am God". Stillness is not my forte, but I'm trying. I'm trying to take each day as it comes, to keep praying, and to wait for God to reveal His plans. If any of you would like to join me in those prayers, I would love and appreciate it.

Hosting

As I've tried to process the changes in our adoption over the past couple of weeks, many thoughts have been going through my head. The biggest question of all, obviously, is "Where do we go from here?" The answer, at this point, is "I don't know." I wish I did. Before now I _knew_ we were on the right path. I had very clear revelation that we were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing. Now that that path is closed, I don't know which direction to turn. The biggest problem is that I really don't know which direction God wants us to go. I've been praying hard for direction, but so far I'm still just confused. So for now I'm looking into pretty much every possibility under the sun, praying a lot, and hoping that at some point our direction forward will be clear.

Which brings me to this post. One of the options I've considered going forward is hosting. That's where you invite an orphan (or 2 or 3) into your home for 3-6 weeks over the summer. Most orphans don't know much beyond the walls of the orphanage where they live. Even if the staff is wonderful and caring, there's just not money for many trips or cultural experiences or many things that we take for granted. And even more than that, most of these kids have no idea what a family really looks like. They might sort of know, intellectually, what a mother and father do, but they've never seen it, and they don't really know. How can they ever be expected to grow up and be able to hopefully move beyond their upbringing and start families of their own if they can't even picture what a family is?

Hosting gives families a chance to give orphans the experience of their life. Many orphans who are hosted learn to swim or ride a bike for the first time in their life. They might see the beach, a zoo, a museum, an amusement park, or a concert for the first time. But even more than all the things they get to do, they get a chance to build relationships, and to see what family relationships are all about. They have a model that they can use as they try to, against all odds, make a normal life for themselves after aging out of an orphanage.

Though one of the best parts about hosting is that many of the orphans don't have to use just a one month model of a family to build on the rest of their lives, because more than 65% of children who are hosted get adopted. Some people host with adoption in mind. It's a great chance to see if a particular child or children will mesh well with the children you already have at home. This is of particular concern when adopting older children or sibling groups, and if you're nervous about these issues it's great to have a chance to test the waters before making a long-term commitment. But even if you can't adopt, hosting can be a wonderful opportunity to show a child unconditional love and teach them what a family is, and most people who host without adopting will take the opportunity afterward to advocate for a family for the child they hosted. Even if you can't adopt, the fact that you hosted a child would raise their chances of being adopted exponentially, both because their face would now be out there for others to see and consider, and because anyone considering adopting them would have someone who knew them who they could talk to. That's a wonderful things when you're thinking about international adoption.

So, if you have a heart for the orphan but can't adopt, or aren't ready to yet (or already have, or whatever!), consider hosting a child. There are a number of organizations currently looking for host families for the coming summer. I've seen the children all of these organizations are listing, and they're precious. I don't know the rules about posting pictures of these kids, so I'm just going to link to the websites and let you go there to get the information on how to see pictures.

Children's Cultural Connection
New Horizons for Children
Project 143

And a special shout-out -- Children's Cultural Connection has about 10 kids on their hosting list who have to have families commit to them by April 1 or they won't be able to be hosted. For a few of the kids, it's their last chance to be hosted before they age out, so if you're thinking about this at all, especially about an older child, please go look and see if maybe you want to open your home to one of them!

Also, please share this info. These kids deserve every chance they can get. I'm still pretty new to this whole hosting thing, so there's lots I don't know, but if you have any questions I'd be happy to try to answer them or direct you to someone who can, so please, feel free to comment or e-mail me!

Sad News

I'm sorry I've been absent the last week, and just after telling you that I was going to keep posting, too. There is a reason, though, unfortunately, not a good one.

Just over a week ago we found out that Miss "Brigitte" was being transferred to another orphanage where she is not and will never be adoptable. There's nothing we can do, and this journey, at least, is over.

I couldn't bring myself to talk about it before now. Honestly, I'm still mostly not talking about it, but just trying not to think about it and go on with life. Most of the time that works, and our family life is mostly normal and fine. When I do think about it (actually, mostly when I try to talk about it), however, I end up in tears, often for hours. My heart is grieving for the daughter I love but will never be able to hold.

I don't know what this means for us, for our adoption journey, or for our plans moving forward. I still want to adopt; Jacob isn't sure. Of course, I have no idea who I want to adopt, or where from, or when. We're praying for clarity and direction, but so far there is none. That might be partly due to the grief, or maybe just because right now we're supposed to wait on the correct timing. I don't know.

My heart still breaks for the orphans, for my not-daughter and for all the little ones out there waiting for families. I will be continuing to blog, talking about them, talking about our family, and sharing with you as we hopefully get clarity and move forward. Hopefully in time I can come to learn whatever it is God wants to teach me through the grief.

Vacation

I'm nearing the end of my 30 day blogging challenge, and I'm doing horribly this week. I'm probably going to have to try to keep up the every day posting for longer to make up for it. Maybe I can do it every day (or at least almost every day, since obviously I'm far from perfect) for another month? I'm going to try.

The reason I've been so bad is because I'm having a great time on vacation with my family this week. It's the kids' Spring Break, and Jacob took some time off work to coincide with it so we could hang out together as a family.

First Jacob's sister and her family (she and her husband and their 7 kids) came to our house for a few days, and now we're busy going out and doing things every day. Today we went to a children's museum. Our kids love to take trips and go do stuff as a family. Spencer especially loves it, and connects with us better during those times than any other, which is why it always remains a priority for us. It's been a while since we had a good trip, and this week has done pretty well for getting him to interact with us, which I'm grateful for.

We're playing one more day, then spending Thursday trying to get some stuff done (like both sets of fingerprints!), then Friday we're heading off to see Jacob's sister again, and his parents who are going to be at her house. I'm pretty sure we're all going to be completely worn out before we get back to school and work next week, but at least it will be a good exhaustion.

Anyway, my computer time is pretty limited right now, but I'll try to post at least once more this week, and then get back to regular posting next week!

Mulligan Stew!

We have some family visiting for the next few days, so I probably won't have a lot of time for blogging. I will try to do at least a short post every day, though. But, my lack of time coincides nicely with a post on my friend's blog I want to direct you all toward -- Mulligan Stew!





Julia has adopted from our daughter's country, and has such a great heart for orphans. Now she's running a huge giveaway to benefit many families and waiting children. So go over there and check out the awesome prizes she's assembled, and if you're able, give a little bit to one of the wonderful children she's trying to help. If you're not able, consider sharing the giveaway with your friends, or just take a minute to pray for the children and families. Also, be sure to go back and read through her posts from the past week introducing you to the orphans and their families -- the stories really are amazing! Thanks so much!